Hello all! I’m back! Thanks for your patience and understanding…I really appreciate all of you sticking with me despite how quiet it’s been! With summer over and the kids going back to school, I am finally able to put more of my attention back to the blog.
Without further ado, today, my friend Diljot Kaur is back with some amazing advice from Sukhsehaj Kaur – a Sikh Educator… for those of you who may being feeling some of those back-to-school jitters… I hope you enjoy this post as much as I have. It’s so nice to have a Sikhi related viewpoint on these very NORMAL fears/issues that can sometimes consume as as parents.
I’ve been MIA, I know, I know, but with good reason! We have had many things to celebrate this summer and have been keeping busy with those. One of those things is that my daughter, Kokil Kaur, is going to start Junior Kindergarten. Because I am a full-time stay-at-home-mom, she hasn’t been to daycare or preschool. In my efforts to prepare for school, I had been searching to find what I can do to help her and myself with the emotional transition. The advice that I found was mostly related to academics or fostering independence or developing fine motor skills. All this is great (it truly is), but what about that pang I feel everytime I think of my little (so little!) baby getting on a school bus by herself? What about having to wait to go to the washroom? What about having to eat by herself? What about tying a dastaar in a school where there are no other Sikh kids? I had a lot of “she’ll figure it out” and “don’t sweat the small stuff” advice, but I’ve never done well with vague proclamations like that. I needed practical solutions and something to keep my mind and hands busy.
I reached out to my friend Sukhsehaj Kaur who has been an educator for 17 years and 15 of those years have been as the directrice of a holistic, French Immersion Montessori Preschool serving children from Pre-K to Senior Kindergarten. She is incredibly compassionate, open-hearted and open-minded. Here is some of the amazing advice she gave me:
On Practical Practices
Keep it positive. No matter how you’re feeling about it speak only in positive terms about this new milestone.
I recommend parents only pack a lunch and school supplies the kids can open independently. Often times they’re too shy to ask for help and go without things the whole day because they didn’t know how to do something. So I would definitely mimic unzipping her backpack, laying out her bento box, opening her drink, putting away her spoon and packing up etc. The more prepared she is the more positive experience she’ll have.
Don’t worry so much about the perfectly cut sandwich that you forget to honour this experience for your child. They should have had the opportunity to practice packing their backpack, putting on their shoes and completing a morning routine that you’ve put together BEFORE the big day. Mimic it yourself first, then have her repeat it. So there’s no struggle while you try and correct her. This may include going to do ardaas to Guru Ji or doing 1 pauri of Japji Sahib. Keep it simple but play it out in real time a couple of times and days before the big day so they feel in charge and they can say, “Oh! I’m going to go and do my ardaas to Guru ji now!”, “Now I’m going to pack my backpack. Then I can put on my shoes!”
Once you’ve taken the time to show them how, then you step back allow them to be in charge of themselves. Don’t grab their backpack, don’t put on their shoes for them. Time all of this into your morning routine. This transition time will be very important for your child so she doesn’t feel things are happening to her and she’s being forced and pushed instead of participating actively in this part of her day.
Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed. – Dr Maria Montessori
Once you’ve prepared your child over the next few days, be prepared to step back and observe and allow time to prepare their things as much as possible.
That’s why dry runs can be helpful. Do the walk to the bus stop. Talk about crossing the street rules. Practice giving her a hug and Guru Fateh before she boards the bus or walks to her teacher/into class etc. Then be ready to give her comfort if she needs it and then trust the adults around her to do the rest.
You’d be surprised how powerful ‘out of sight of our mind can be’. Often once the parent is out of view the child will most often effortlessly make the transition into class. Contrary to our beliefs as parents that they’ll be miserable all day, they have a fantastic day!
On Indoor Shoes
I don’t know about public schools but my rule is (based on science) they should feel more like slippers with slip grips. Not clunky shoes that they’re not comfortable being in all day or sitter cross legged in. Think about it. She’s coming from a place of being barefoot all day. Anything too restrictive at this age isn’t great for little feet. Set aside a separate pair for gym if needed. (*Note*: Sujkhsehaj Kaur recommends vegan moccasins.)
On Going to the Washroom
Go over how she can ask the teacher to use the washroom. Raise your hand, tap the teacher, say “Excuse me” etc. The teacher will go over this but kids are still so shell shocked they don’t always know what to do. My classroom rule is, go when you need to go. Simply excuse yourself, no need for permission. I still have kids who feel they must tell/ask me before going.
On Tying A Dastaar At School
Does her dastar come off easily during playtime? Do you have a backup plan? Can she wear a keski underneath? You can inform her teacher that she can place her dastar respectfully into her backpack.
On Having A Positive Relationship With Your Child’s Teacher
Would you be able to volunteer in class or during a field trip? This makes a big positive impact for child and parent-teacher relationship.
Send in home baked cookies that KK has helped make just for the teacher with a nice note thanking the teacher for caring for your little one. First impressions mean a lot especially when visible minorities might not be perceived the same as the PTA mom who is on a first name basis with the entire staff. Do something similar a few weeks later for the office staff. So they recognize her if she comes into the office with a problem.
During your first parent-teacher meet-and-greet you can make it clear to the teacher that you’d love to help out any way you can; in class or even from home. Sometimes the offer goes a long way.
On Emotional Separation
You have every right to feel emotional. I know how heart wrenching it is after so much mindful and loving seva to have to hand her over to a stranger for the better part of a day. The roots and strength of values and sangat at home overshadows anything she comes across at school. So keep that Gursikhi, sangatee atmosphere at home with keertan, love, sangat etc. It’ll pay off in the long run.
I know I can’t take away that feeling of ‘vicchora’ (separation) when she leaves for the first time. It’s ok. That’s why Guru Sahib ji uses the love of a mother as a metaphor for that of Satguru ji and their Gursikh. You have a bond that needs honouring and maybe focussing on helping her prepare for school will take away time from the other emotions.
On Being A Gursikh Mother
Keep the shabd “Poota Maata ki Asees” on your lips all day. Try 11-21 times a day and you will feel the power and realize it’s all taken care of. Guru Sahib ji have her in their sharn. The rest is all life’s play. Do this Nishkam, without asking anything in return because Guru Sahib is Antarjaami (all-knowing). Keeping focused on that will help you exhale all the guilt, anxiety and pain and trust. They’ve got this.
My daughter is 20 yrs old. But at the end of every first day I would come home and do a chaupai sahib da paath for her TEACHER. I would do an ardaas for her/him to feel peace and to feel valued and to be able to serve each child the best way s/he can and to be imbibed with a deep love for the spirits of each child, because I understood the seva they take on each day.
Offer to come into class sometime in the fall once the children have settled down to talk to the class and help your child share the significance of their dastar, keski, patka etc.
On Early Bedtime And Rising Time
I wouldn’t suggest waking them so early that they are ready and watching cartoons for an hour before school. It might make for a difficult transition then to leave or focus on getting out the door. Ensure they have a similarly set routine for their backpack, lunch and school mail for when they return home at the end of the day. Same hook for the backpack everyday, same counter space for the lunch box and same basket or tray for school notices.
Early bedtime is SO crucial or they’ll crash after the first week, or so, when the newness of it all fades away and often that’s when the tears and difficult transitions happen. Don’t exhaust them. Don’t plan too much after school for the first 2-3 weeks. Have quiet family time when they come home so they have time to unwind. Try and give them as much outdoor time as possible because they’ve spent so many hours inside. Start your bedtime routine an hour before you’re used to. They need the extra downtime and rest.
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Thank you Sukhsehaj Kaur for your professional insight and Sikhi-inspired advice. Dear readers, if you would like more advice like this, please leave a comment below!