As promised as part of our Shine Through the Darkness series, we have a sub-series called Re Munn – Oh My Mind, which will be written by my friend Diljot Kaur – she is a guest contributor and will be addressing her journey with Postpartum Depression (PPD) in this series. I am very excited to learn from her on how to cope and overcome these feelings of anxiety and helplessness. Please feel free to comment below with any questions you might have!
My name is Diljot Kaur. I am a 34 year old Sikh, second-generation Canadian and full-time stay-at-home mom. My family (husband TS, daughter KK aged 3.5 and son AS aged 7 months) and I reside in Southern Ontario, Canada. I have graduated from a group therapy program for Postpartum Depression (PPD) that used the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) model. I am here to share my story and recovery process.
I am not a mental health professional. If you ever think you have depression or know someone who does, please seek professional help.
Through my posts I hope to be able to do the following:
- Outline my struggles and victories with regard to depression;
- Talk about Cognitive Behaviour Therapy as presented through our group therapy sessions and through the book Coping with Depression During Pregnancy and Following Birth;
- Introduce bani, history, Sikhi-related actions that help with recovery; and
- Give YOU, the reader, homework in order to help with your recovery.
My Diagnosis
I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression in January, 2018 after I had my second baby; however, my therapist pinpoints my depression going back to 2001.
Mental illnesses are not talked about in the Punjabi community in which I was raised. The stigma influenced me in a way that had me interpret my depression as a phase, hormones, dna, situational, seasonal, forgetfulness, a lack of self-awareness, a lack of simran, a lack of sangat – the list goes on and on.
What is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and Why It Worked for Me
CBT is a two-part recovery process. It helps to identify negative thoughts and how to make them positive -and- identify negative behaviours and how to change them into better behaviours.
When I was pregnant with my second, I noticed the signs of depression that my daughter was picking up. I heard her using words and phrases that I would use during my depressive episodes (“this is too much for me”) and saw her crying the way I did and hated the influence my negativity was having on her. That was probably the last straw. I wanted to get better. I did not want a sob-fest, I was sick of crying. I did not want someone to hold my hand, I wanted to have the strength to get better. Most of all: I did not want anyone to feel sorry for me. I did not want depression to become a part of my identity.
I was referred to a therapist through my midwife and started a group therapy program in April, 2018 run by two social workers. What this program has given me is scientific, real, tangible tools to overcome depression. I enjoy facts, truths, science, logic, rational thinking and order. It was like a decluttering and organizing of my brain and life. Ask my husband how much I enjoy organizing. This therapy was so refreshing. Instead of the vague advice of “you should practice self-care!” that the diagnosis of depression is sometimes met with, I had much more in-depth, personalised tools that felt more realistic.
CBT is not easy because there is a lot of homework, but I did the homework every week, knowing the benefits it would have. This is meant to be a change in lifestyle, sisters!
Because I’m a facts and figures person, I feel empowered by the tools that have been given to be me to realistically deal with depression. It feels so liberating. I don’t feel like I am a slave to my emotions or hormones anymore. I am able to logically identify my negative thoughts and behaviours and take steps toward real solutions….finally. (Exhale.)
Sikhi and CBT
Most of the coping mechanisms that came up in our group therapy sessions were helpful, but there was always something missing that was personal to me. Being a second-generation Canadian, a minority, a practicing Sikh, and a Punjabi all influenced my upbringing and continue to sometimes hinder and sometimes encourage my recovery.
CBT helps to deal with depression on a daily, moment-by-moment basis. You know what else does? Drumroll…bani. Bani is full of FACTS (remember, facts excite me). How many shabds are there that talk to the mind? Re munn, munn mere, munn pyaariaa etc. I’m going to suggest that while therapy helps to deal with depression, Sikhi (bani) helps to overcome it.
I titled this series Re Munn – Oh My Mind, because in every step of CBT, we are addressing the mind. Chardi kala is a state of constant optimism, always on the rise. At the depth of my depression, forget constant, I couldn’t even feel fleeting optimism. As a result, I felt guilty about being a bad Sikh. But you know what I wasn’t doing? Addressing my mind.
There are so many topics referring to the illness of the mind that are addressed in Bani. Double-mindedness (dubidaa), anxiety (chintaa), carelessness (baaval, bauri); therefore, along with the tools that CBT provides, we have the tools that bani provides to overcome depression.
Your homework for this post:
- The very first week of my therapy group, one of the social workers said something that has stuck with me. When there are loads of laundry to be done, dishes in the sink, lunches to be packed, when the work seems endless and thankless, think “I’m doing my best”. Repeat it. Your child is fed – I’m doing my best. There is food in the house – I’m doing my best. I love my children – I’m doing my best. I am beautiful – I am doing my best. I am not going to compare my best to someone else’s best because I am doing my best.
- Inspired by this:
jaa kau chi(n)taa bahut bahut dhehee viaapai rog ||
When you are plagued by great and excessive anxiety, and diseases of the body;
girasat kuTa(n)b paleTiaa kadhe harakh kadhe sog ||
When you are wrapped up in the attachments of household and family, sometimes feeling joy, and then other times sorrow;
gaun kare chahu ku(n)T kaa ghaRee na baisan soi ||
When you are wandering around in all four directions, and you cannot sit or sleep even for a moment
chit aavai os paarabraham tan man seetal hoi ||3||
If you come to remember the Supreme Lord God, then your body and mind shall be cooled and soothed. ||3||
Go to the Gurudwara. By yourself. For 10 minutes. That’s it. If you don’t have a Gurudwara near you, do sangat with a friend, just the two of you, it could be your partner or your sister. If your partner and sister don’t share your lifestyle and you do not have the ability to go to sangat, email me. We will set up a time to get on Skype or WhatsApp and sing a shabd together and do simran. If I can’t do it, I will outsource the cyber sangat. 10 minutes, without the kids.
See you in a couple weeks when I talk about the signs and symptoms of PPD.
-Diljot Kaur
Thank you diljot kaurYour post made me cry too real , your helping me overcome the stigma to treat and get help for myself , Thank you
Thank you for your comment. Remember to note that you are strong enough on your own to do this. Recognise your worth and strengths.
I think the real and tangible tools you are giving are phenomenal. The fact that you are offering yourself for help and support goes to show that we sisters are here to support each other! It makes me feel greatful that we have this whole family of Kaurs that we can depend and rely on in times of need and in times of happiness. Thank you for putting this out there and being vulnerable and writing this series!
Vaheguroo. Thank you for your comment. I’m just writing as I need to. If it helps someone, that’s awesome.
Thank you so much for sharing with us. I had been depressed 2 years after my third child was born ( not sure if it was ppd) but depression none the less. Now I can say that I am not at my best self but I am better to myself. Waheguru 🙏
“I am not my best self but I am better to myself.” What a beautiful sentiment! Taking care of ourselves is an important part of CBT. Self-care techniques are coming up in future posts. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for providing such appropriate techniques to help us, much appreciated.
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