Welcome back to our Re Munn – Oh My Mind series, a subcategory of Shining Through the Darkness. We received an overwhelmingly positive response from the introduction to this series. As a result I have reached out the women (and men!) who connected with me to add some of their experiences. So I will continue to write about therapy I received and use my own as well as borrowed real life examples.
What is Postpartum Depression and How Is It Different From Baby Blues, Psychosis and Anxiety?
In my second week of therapy we were given a handout that talked about the differences between baby blues/postpartum blues, postpartum depression, postpartum psychosis and postpartum anxiety. If you can relate to any of the symptoms listed below, please see a professional for help.
As discussed in our therapy group, postpartum blues affect 85% of new mothers and they include crying spells, fatigue, sadness and irritability. These symptoms generally improve after 2 weeks.
Postpartum Depression affects the mother’s ability to cope or function. There is a feeling of hopelessness and anxiety. In this case, mothers are unable to sleep even when they have the opportunity. There is a fear of hurting the baby. There may be changes in eating and sleeping patterns and (what I think is the most important) PPD may develop any time in the first 12 months after birth.
Postpartum Psychosis is when mom has thoughts of hurting herself or the baby, hears or sees things that are not there, believes that people or things are going to harm the baby and feels confused or out of touch with reality. If you know someone with these symptoms, she requires immediate help.
Anxiety can make the mom worry about the health of the baby or her own ability to take care of the baby. She may experience behaviours that feel compulsive or ritualistic and have thoughts that are obsessive or intrusive. She may also experience panic symptoms or attacks.
The above are only some symptoms as listed in the handout provided to me in therapy. You can read up on more in Coping With Depression, Module 2, Pages 3-5. Sometimes the symptoms may overlap so your diagnosis could be PPD and Postpartum Anxiety.
Why Do Women Experience Postpartum Depression?
There are so many expectations and hopes that a new mom has that are usually built around what she sees and hears from others. Without experiencing it first hand, it’s hard for a mom-to-be to visualise what motherhood will be like.
Here’s the thing though, moms tend to forget all the bad stuff as soon as it is over. If we remembered all the challenging moments, we would never have more kids! So when a brand new baby shows up and the mom’s experience is not like everything she has heard (you know, from the moms who have forgotten the sleepless nights and diaper rashes), it throws a wrench in things. My baby isn’t sleeping – I’m a bad mother. My baby cries too much – I’m a bad mother. My baby was premature – my body wasn’t able to take care of it until full term. My baby has a rash – I’m not using the correct products/the air in my home isn’t good quality/i’m not washing my baby correctly. My baby is not acting like other babies that I’ve heard about or seen – the fault must be in me.
When I had my daughter in 2014, I remember being told that children don’t cry and that only mothers who neglect their children have children that cry. This statement really dug deep into my psyche. You see, my daughter cried when she was hungry or wet or cold or needed some cuddling. Instead of noticing the obvious (babies cry – it is the only way they know how to communicate), I thought that I was a bad mother. A neglectful mother. Every time she cried, it made me extremely tense and obsessive.
Some other reasons for PPD as addressed in Coping With Depression, Module 2, Page 7
- Changes in relationships with family, friends, and partner
- Significant role changes in becoming a mother
- Leaving work
- Lifestyle changes including financial pressures
- Fatigue
- Challenges of caring for new baby along with other responsibilities
- Significant physical changes
- Significant changes in hormonal levels
A Woman has a higher risk of experiencing PPD if:
- She has had depression or anxiety in the past
- She has family who have experienced depression or anxiety
- She has problems with relationships with family/partner/friends
- She or someone around her has unrealistic expectations of her as a mother
- Finds herself alone or separated from loved ones
- Experiences or is experiencing violence or abuse
See more general reasons in Coping With Depression, Module 2, Page 8
Some additional stresses in a Punjabi-Sikh household :
- Being isolated while breastfeeding as it is sometimes not acceptable to nurse in front of the family.
- Having to share the baby with other members of the family. This is something that did not come up in therapy. The idea of the child belonging to the family, instead of to their parents was a foreign concept to my social worker. In some traditional families, the daughter-in-law (in motherhood) is only a means to continue the family line. I must say though that this is not true in my family. I know my MIL is reading this – Hi mom!
- Continuing with the above thought, there may be lack of attachment with the baby because the mom doesn’t see any likeness to herself since the in-law family will continue to talk about much the baby is like dad. Remember though, they didn’t know you as a baby, so they really cannot compare the baby to you. But it is impossible that your baby won’t have some of your habits or personality traits. They have your DNA for goodness sake!
- Forced humility inherited from Punjabi culture may force the mom to not talk about the way she wants to raise her kids. She may be afraid of giving her opinion as there is already a structure of the family in terms of how children are raised. Not to be confused with respecting your elders though. Forced humility in Punjabi families is expected for women only. It forces a woman to put her self-worth in the hands of others.
- Most decisions are done through consensus of the family as opposed to how the mom wants to raise her baby.
- In Bareh Maha, Raag Majh, Guru Arjan Dev Ji tells us that “Parmesar te bhuilaan viaapan sabey rog”. That we experience illness as a result of forgetting Vaheguroo Ji. In the in-law family is not committed to Sikhi, it may be difficult to make Sikhi and remembering Vaheguroo Ji a priority.
Why Some Women Will Not Seek Help
- She may not have heard of Postpartum health issues
- She may not know who to talk to
- She may not have a health care provider
- She may be reluctant to talk to her health care provider
- She may be ashamed of her difficulties for fear of being labeled a bad mother
- Other people in her life may discourage her from seeking help
- She may fear the stigma against mental health issues
- She may fear being labeled a bad Sikh (eg. if you do Simran, you won’t have depression)
- She may fear that therapy won’t work
- She may not know about the various treatments available (medication, therapy, support groups)
Again, if you ever feel the symptoms listed above or know someone who has these symptoms, please seek professional help. In the meantime, here are some resources for women in the Greater Toronto Area:
West End Mamas
The W.O.M.B. – World of My Baby
Peel Public Health – Postpartum Mood Disorder program (This one is AMAZING!)
Healthy Babies Healthy Children – Peel
Your homework for this post:
- As per the shabd referenced above, if we experience illness by forgetting Vaheguroo Ji, then find one shabd that tells you how to remember Vaheguroo and follow the instructions. If you find it difficult to understand or follow, then read it and sing it over and over again. Memorize it! So that in those moments when you feel most helpless, you will remember the instructions from Vaheguroo ji. Remember bani is full of FACTS including instructions. If we read bani and notice the instructions and acknowledge them as suggestions instead of instructions then we cannot truly benefit from Bani. Some examples are: Dookh rog sa(n)taap utray suni sachi bani ||
Pain, illness and suffering are gone by listening to the true bani.
(Guru Granth Sahib Ji, Ang 922)Aukhad Har ka naam hai jit rog na viaapai || Saadsa(n)g man tan hitai fir dookh n jaapai ||
The name of Vaheguroo jee is the medicine to cure all disease. In sadhsangat my mind and body are drenched in the love of the name of Vaheguroo and I experience no suffering.
(Guru Granth Sahib Ji, Ang 814) - Stop using “should statements” This goes hand-in-hand with the homework from the previous post of using the phrase “I’m doing my best”. Should statements for moms include:
- I should have lost the weight by now
- I should have a cleaner house
- I should have made baby food in advance
- I should have made fresh food for my family
When you find yourself using these statements – STOP! Instead remember “I am doing my best”.
Next Post
I will l break down how behaviours, thoughts, emotions and body responses are all linked and how to notice their connection. I will also talk about the differences between expectations of how to traditionally raise a Sikh child versus the reality of the same.
-Diljot Kaur
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